Brown Sugar, Clumsiness, and Feeling Down

Years ago, when I was living in Houston, my Dad called one morning before work to tell me his own father had passed away.  It was expected but still, of course, a blow.  I remember eventually getting myself ready for work and then my car not starting.  "Great, of course my car breaks down on a morning like this..."

I called AAA and the guy tried starting it just for kicks.  It cranked right up!  He looks at me with a questioning face then shrugs and goes on his way...  Much later I realized that, because I was feeling down, I didn't even depress the clutch all the way down to the floor when starting the engine and that's why the car wouldn't start for me.

A few month back, my father-in-law was kindly checking in with me while I was grilling some food in his backyard about Irene and how she's holding up with all that she's dealing with this year(*).  I replied cheerily enough, but, a few minutes later, his serving platter slipped right out of my hand and shattered into a million pieces in front of me.

A couple of days ago, I stopped for a moment to collect myself on my usual walk home.  (There's a path that leads through a narrow band of woods from the high school to my backyard.)  Recently, Irene has been dealt yet another blow in a year of bad news for her(*) and I just needed a moment of silence in the woods to collect my thoughts.  Somewhat grim-faced, I ducked under a small tree that had been partially blown over in a recent storm (one that I have ducked under many times in the past weeks) and, instead, smacked my head straight into it hard enough that I was stunned for a couple of seconds and didn't realize I was bleeding until I got home.

The next day (yesterday), a couple of students 'in the know' brought me cookies(**).  Luckily for me, there were other students coming in and out of the room so instead of tearing up, I got to be my typical irreverent, goofy self when they insisted I eat them right away since they were still warm :
"Hey, let me do a degustation of these" (sniffs dramatically)
"Hints of cinnamon?" (nibbles dramatically)
"Ahh, some brown sugar?"
The students nod and laugh, recovering nicely from their confusion when they thought I had said "disgusting" instead of "degustation". (I always forget that some plain french words are super-fancy in english).

Much later, the students confess there was no brown sugar but they didn't want to ruin the moment.  I confessed that I should have said I 'degustated' hints of love in those cookies alongside of the nonexistent brown sugar.

Brown sugar is just white sugar with some of the sugar molasses that is usually separated out stirred back in.  Maybe clumsiness is my body stirring back into my life the emotions I try to separate out...


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(*) If you are interested in Irene's battle with cancer, she maintain a very thorough blog here.

(**) Not the first time a student has brought me cookies when they found out.  Teaching may bring low pay, a lack of respect, and a lot of self-doubt - but it is not without its perks!