Steinback, Neuroscience, and Fish

My last year of grad school ('96,'97?), I started to check out before I made the decision to take a leave of absence (some things that are confusing at the time become clear in retrospect).  I had switched outside of the standard physics path and was trying to do some interdisciplinary research in computational neuroscience.  (Basically applying mathematical modeling to neuronal functionality.)  I still think it's a cool field, but at the same time that I was slipping into the cracks that interdisciplinary studies are fraught with, I was losing the fire in the belly that you need to carry your PhD to completion.

I had attached myself to an interschool research group that spanned CMU and U of Pittsburgh.  A mathematically inclined professor at Pitt was kind of adopting me and asked me to go to a big conference for him to take notes and generally get inspired.  It seemed like a good opportunity and he used some grant money to fly me out and pay the conference fees but I was on my own for the rest of the cost.  I remember being profoundly moved by the view out of the plane as it crossed the Grand Canyon.  I remember I was writing a letter at the time to a friend and I was so indignant at the other passengers for not even bothering to look out their windows that she made fun of me the next time I saw her.


Monterey has a tiny airport and I could see the entire town nestled between the airport and the ocean.  I could see the Aquarium and the attached hotel where the conference was being held and so I just grabbed my bag and walked.  I felt inspired and free.  Of course looks were deceiving and it took me a couple of hours and a few wrong turns (no map and no phone in those days) to actual get there.  I remember feeling very cool for doing that.  Who walks from the airport?

The entire conference was a blur of me keeping to myself, attending a lot of talks given by people filled with purpose and gusto.  I felt smaller and smaller with every talk.  I don't think I talked to a single person the entire trip.  One night there was a big reception at the aquarium and I remember they had sushi stations set up all over the place and we had the run of that world famous aquarium.  I thought more about Cannery Row and Steinback than I did about science.  I recall being delighted that I was eating fish while looking at fish.  I remember jabbing with my chopsticks at a fish that had swum up to check me out through the glass.  Gleefully, I ate some sushi and said "I'm eating you!"